Hopefully I don’t give up on this blog like so many other ones out there. I need something to do when I am hungry at night and nothing is working. Something to focus on when all I can think is food, food, food. A tiny little piece of the Internet to share my thoughts. To start here is some basic information:
I am 5′4″ and currently weigh 119.0 pounds. At my heaviest, in January 2008 I weighed 190 lbs. By December 2008 I weighed 112, my lowest. Since Christmas my weight ranges between 127-119 lbs. I’m starting to get back in control and trying to get back to 112 again. My ideal weight is 107 lbs. I hope I can get there this time.
I am just getting out of a long term relationship, and am living in a big city with no family here. My relationship with my parents isn’t a really close one. They are in denial, I guess it’s not that uncommon. At 119 my BMI is still healthy, 20.4. It’s important that I get rid of this extra weight, maybe then the parents will notice me?
I spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. I think there is an idea that people with eating disorders don’t like to see themselves, but that’s not me. I like to know that I am still there, and then I like to spend hours critiquing myself. I pull and pinch at every possible area. Look for blemishes and scars that shouldn’t be there. I can spend even more time on my face. Trying to figure out how many chins I have, is it bloated from purging or is it shrunken and pale from malnutrition.
Yesterday I left the house with a great thought. “How many calories have I had today? Ummm….none…wow, nothing yet. Zero is such a perfect calorie count, so easy to remember. Perfect calories, perfect size, perfect waist.”
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